Welcoming In 2014! Yeah, it's been a while!

I'm a writer only when I'm writing....isn't that how it goes? Well, another year, another chance to see if it is in me. I'll try to be a little consistent, but no promises! Happy New Year, people! Godspeed!

Happy 2012!!!

It's been ages since I posted anything. Truth is life is crazy. We all know it, and I, like most of you have been so busy livin' it, I haven't had time to think, let alone pause to reflect. I'm trying to slow down, smell the roses, as the saying goes, and just enjoy each moment more. So far, I've discovered a few things about myself in the process. I am not as smart as I once thought I was. I do believe there's potential there, but it needs to marinate more before I open my mouth.

I've never been a planner, but I'm trying to stop and plan more, so that maybe I'll have more to show more for my life down the road. We'll see!

Happy 2012 everyone!

True Love

Jesus loves me this I know. I do know this. I know this because I have known perfect love, and it didn’t come from a person. No one human can ever love us perfectly, because none of us is perfect. But, if there is an ideal God...wouldn’t He be loving...perfectly loving.

So what does being loved perfectly feel like? We all long for connection, and the perfect connection can be so illusive. We want someone to know us, and in spite of our flaws, we want to be loved unconditionally. And we want to know that there is nothing we could ever do to make that someone stop loving us. Only God could provide such love. Parents are the next closest thing, but even they would have their limits I think. Spouses can love us pretty well, if they know how, but infidelity or lies we might tell would certainly make them love us less. Being loved ‘perfectly’ by God means that there is nothing I could ever do to make Him stop loving me less. Certainly, I think there are things I could do that would put a major chink in our relationship, but whether we were in close communion, or barely speaking, always the God of perfect love would desire for that relationship to be restored. I guess the blessing of that could only be felt if I believed in it, and then...such a love would be too hard to resist.

The word ‘love’ becomes almost a throw-away word in our society. “I love pizza.” “So did you make love on the first date?” “I would love it if....” True love, at it’s core isn’t about what it brings us. Anyone who has ever been unhappily ‘in-love’ will tell you that. True love is involuntary. It can’t be helped. And true love will always seek the best for the loved. My husband won me on the night, right after we’d decided we should ‘break up’, and he told me that he wasn’t going anywhere, and that he would never give up on our relationship unless everything had been done that could be done to salvage it. Such commitment in marriage is rare. Such commitment from someone who you aren’t even engaged to is a sign of good things to come. True love is wise, and honest. True love is nurturing and faithful.

The first time I knew there was a God was as a child. I don’t remember all of the incidents, but I do remember that I knew I was unique and special. My parents were loving, and that made it easy to believe, but I now know divine Love was present...holding me when I was sick, protecting me from myself when my sinful nature wanted to stir the pot.

I’ve always been a pot stirrer. There was never any doubt of my being born with a sin nature. But, I now see so many times when the hand of God stopped me from making a potentially life altering (not for the good) mistake that might have sent my life further away from Him. Instead, I would hear whispers of God’s love and closeness in my heart. And it would sometimes beckon me away from the problem I was about to cause.

I am sorry to report that I have always been a study in contradiction. On the one hand, I felt the desire to stir things up...cause trouble (although out of a sense of wanting some fun.) On the other, I wanted to be well liked, and I believed that pleasing people was the way to gain attention and affirmation. When I was four I once got the urge to play hide-n-seek. I didn’t tell anyone, I just went and hid under the bed.

At first it was great fun. Suddenly it seemed everyone was looking for me...calling my name all over the house. But, before too long, even at my young age, I began to hear the change in the way my name was being called. I knew instinctively I had crossed some line, and that I would likely be in trouble. I was right! What’s more, I knew what I had done wrong, and why it was wrong. No one had to tell me...I just knew.

I will confess that in spite of my many flaws, I have been blessed with the gift of being able to ‘read’ people. Emotional signals, both verbal and non-verbal have always been something I instinctively picked up on. It has been a true gift...one I often wished I could share.

On the flip side of that is my inability to ‘catch on’ sometimes. When something happens, unless there are emotional signals attached, I frequently miss ‘the point’! So, if you think for one minute that I am bragging about any of this, I assure you I am not. I simply tell you all this to inform you of who I am, and how I operate. And as I stated before...I am a true contradiction.

So...as I got older, the voice (although I hesitate to call it that, as it was never audible, but more of a strong impression I would get-that I knew was not my idea) was starting to tell me that I should do this or that. I would ‘notice’ things it wasn’t like me to notice about situations...specifically people, who might need help, or attention...and I would be told to do this or that to help them. I seemed to have a gift, but now I know that it was the Holy Spirit prompting me.

Eventually the voice began to reveal information about things I would read in the Bible, or in other books. I began to really develop a completely different image of God from the one I had as a child. Slowly, I began to almost feel God’s presence physically. And there were times when I would have such a rush of unexplainable joy, in simple moments...for no reason. To this day, I still have moments like that, and the old ones are still as clear as if they’d happened just yesterday.

The more I began to know God, the more I would hear Him speak to me. Sometimes I really didn’t want to believe what I was hearing, and like Jonah, I would avoid God, even occasionally using music or television to ‘drown Him out’. Eventually though, the misery of the breakdown in our relationship would get to me, and I would go back, respond, and do whatever I was suppose to. Sometimes the consequences of my delays were painful, but I always accepted them, knowing full well it was right.

Once when I was in my early 20’s the Holy Spirit told me that God wanted me to come to the decision to agree to follow Him, even if that meant I would never be a wife or mother. I was a bit stunned, and it took me a whole summer to be able to respond honestly that I could and would agree to that. God used my time as a camp counselor at a church camp to make the decision a bit easier, and the passages about Abraham being asked by God to sacrifice his son, Isaac to God. I realized that God wasn’t asking me to give those things up, but to agree to be willing to. In time, nearly ten years later, I was to be assured that this had just been a test.

God has led me to Austria, to marriage to my best friend, to motherhood, and to the joy of know a group of women who are my ‘other true family’. He has led me through various heath crises, though having a child born with a birth defect, through a house fire, and through so many other personal struggles I now know I can face anything...because I never walk alone!

I am a mess. I have ADD, and so many faults that God will surely be working on me to the end of my days. But, in spite of how much I know about why I deserve not to be loved...I know I am. That is who I am. I am perfectly loved...by God!

So...why me? I believe we are all perfectly loved by God. He created us for the purpose of having a relationship with each one of us. But, when sin entered the world through Adam and Eve...ever since our ‘relationship’ with God has been broken. Each of us needs to find God. I don’t believe in collective salvation. Wanting to know God, and be loved by Him is something we each have to find on our own.

For those of us born into homes with parents who had/have relationships with God...we were given an advantage, although I’ve met people raised in the church who weren’t raised with love. As marriage is to be a picture of Christ’s relationship with the church, parents are to be a picture of our relationship with God, and if that image is distorted by parents who don’t know how to show unconditional love, our view of God can be distorted.

Ultimately, though, for each of us...it comes down to will. Every man has a choice. The Bible teaches that each one of us instinctively knows there is ‘something’ out there, bigger than ourselves...and we all start out with a desire to reconnect with Him. It is only when we try to deny this, and replace that longing with things, people, or work that we miss out on the greatest love we could ever know. I don’t pretend to know what it’s like to know a time in my life when I didn’t feel loved, but I believe that God is trying to reach people...and let them know He is there. It’s just that He longs for us so much that He doesn’t want us to love Him because He made us love Him. He wants to be loved because we couldn’t help ourselves. He knows we’ll never be perfect at loving Him back, but He at least wants us to want Him.

Personal Statement of Faith

Firstly, let me start by saying that the older I get the more uncertain I become about how smart I am. I don’t mean to say I’m dumb (I know God gave me a good brain), just prone to mistakes and in desperate need of grace. I am increasingly grateful to a loving God who has shown Himself to be faithful, even when I’m not, and who seems committed to not letting me ‘fall through the cracks.’

I met Jesus when I was very young. I know that sounds weird, but the truth is...I was raised in a home where he was very present...and certainly welcome. I was aware of him, through introduction, but it wasn’t until Jr. High that I began to really experience him. By experience, I mean that I believed I knew when he was speaking to me...not audibly, but through my thoughts. At first, the thoughts were just about his love for me, and his desire to know me.

I didn’t know at the time that I had ADD, but years later a psychologist told me that he saw that I had found ways to cope with my ADD rather than turning to some sort of addiction, which is so common to people with ADD. I know that it was my confidence in God’s love for me that got me through that time, and helped me to cope with the difficulties I was experiencing. (I’ve had my share of doubts and dark days!) My relationship with God has taught me that Love (God’s love) is the Savior I need. Jesus’ death on a cross, and my willingness to accept, and embrace that grace has changed me.

Over the years, I’ve learned that there are a great many issues that I don’t fully understand, but Love is something I do understand. God’s love has been there for me...through years of being single and lonely, and then through years of physical struggles, and dealing with a child who wasn’t born ‘normal’. Through all of those times God was there for me. I felt Him...sometimes almost physically, and it is the only thing that helps me to cope with my ongoing health and personal growth struggles. I can tell you that in my darkest moments...and there have been plenty, I have experienced a peace, often when people around me expected me to fall apart, and I just couldn’t because it has been like I was in a cocoon of God’s love. (Sometimes I would foolishly ignore God, and the consequence was that the peace would go away, and I would be left alone to cope.)

I have learned that God’s love doesn’t require me to be perfect...God is slowly working on me. And God certainly doesn’t want me to look for perfection in others...although He does want me to look for potential in them, and look for ways to encourage that. I am to be God’s love to others.

Sadly, I fail at that often. But, I will keep trying, because I am the recipient of such amazing grace and love, I cannot turn my back on that...and pretend it doesn’t matter. I use to doubt God’s very existence from time to time, but I don’t now. Too much has happened. And though, like in any other relationship, when I fail Him I can feel a distance growing between us...I don’t ever want that divide to become permanent or complete. So, I choose to follow...what sometimes doesn’t make sense to me, but which always turns out to be the best for me... God’s Love and great grace.

May God bless you all! I hope you seek Him!

Nostalgia and Ice Cream

I'm feeling a bit nestalgic tonight. I'm overwhelmed by the beauty of nature, as we are finally experiencing the first signs that summer may soon be here. I've been remembering all the fond memories I have of my life 'pre-children' while at the same time spending some wonderful quality time with my son. We went for a drive tonight, past some of my old haunts, and all I could think was how grateful I am that those moments from my past happened. I've lived such a rich, full life already, and I wondered if my children will appretiate how much of a gift life can be if you embrace the spirit of adventure, and of romance (not the romantic romance, but the asthetic appretiation of beauty and creating senarios that are even more beautiful just because they mean something.) Tonight it meant something to spend the time with my son, driving out into the country, blaring the music on the radio, and talking about silly things that were all about building on to our already considerably sturdy bridge between our hearts. Tonight, I was 'the best mom on earth,' and it felt amazing to be doing something so simple, yet so profound. The sky was a beautiful orange when we left home, and as we drove along it faded to a marvelous purple, and finally be the time we came home it was an inky dark navy with a few stars that felt like the punctuation to the beauty of the night. We had ice cream, and snacks, and so forth, and I shared stories with him, that he may not remember a week from now, but I know he'll remember this night, as the night his mom broke the bed time rule, and let him stay up late, and we went on an adventure! I guess it will go on...

I think this is gonna be a great summer!

Spring Isn't Springing Yet

Rain is plaguing us here in the Northwest, and even optimistic me is having a hard time making peace with it. I have plans for the spring. Cleaning doesn't need sunshine, but it helps. There's my new bike to ride, and picnics to plan and attend. There is a yard to work in, and I'd like to take my new passion for painting outside and really capture something special. (Sigh)

Well, I guess this is one of those times when I should use this 'time' to rest and build up my strength to do all the stuff above. That's what my body seems to want to do. Sometimes I think I'm part bear. Hibernating sounds heavenly.

Okay, so if you're looking for me...I'm probably sleeping. I'll try to get back to say 'hello' when the sun FINALLY takes up residence...someday.

Romance

As Valentine's Day approaches we're all starting to think about 'it'. Will this be a 'good' V-Day or a 'bad' one. Will I be with the love of my life, or alone. Romantic fantasies are being exploited by florists, card and candy companies, to name a few. Some people wrap themselves up in knots worrying about having the perfect setting, gift idea, or if their clothes and hair will be just right.

But, for me romance doesn't have to be all tied up with the idea of love with the perfect mate, or whether or not we're 'with' someone. I am a big fan of romance for romance sake. Some of my most romantic moments have been with my closest friends, my family, or just me...by myself. Romance becomes about aesthetics, or just appreciating what I have. I love the moon, a sunset, a sunrise or a cozy fire as much by myself as when I'm with my husband. When I was in high school the term 'Rotic' came into being...you know...'romantic without the man'. And I enjoy rotic moments so much!

Anyway...if you're struggling because you feel like there isn't enough romance in your life...I urge you to try and find it in yourself rather than in another person. Maybe it might make this Valentine's Day a little better.