True Love

Jesus loves me this I know. I do know this. I know this because I have known perfect love, and it didn’t come from a person. No one human can ever love us perfectly, because none of us is perfect. But, if there is an ideal God...wouldn’t He be loving...perfectly loving.

So what does being loved perfectly feel like? We all long for connection, and the perfect connection can be so illusive. We want someone to know us, and in spite of our flaws, we want to be loved unconditionally. And we want to know that there is nothing we could ever do to make that someone stop loving us. Only God could provide such love. Parents are the next closest thing, but even they would have their limits I think. Spouses can love us pretty well, if they know how, but infidelity or lies we might tell would certainly make them love us less. Being loved ‘perfectly’ by God means that there is nothing I could ever do to make Him stop loving me less. Certainly, I think there are things I could do that would put a major chink in our relationship, but whether we were in close communion, or barely speaking, always the God of perfect love would desire for that relationship to be restored. I guess the blessing of that could only be felt if I believed in it, and then...such a love would be too hard to resist.

The word ‘love’ becomes almost a throw-away word in our society. “I love pizza.” “So did you make love on the first date?” “I would love it if....” True love, at it’s core isn’t about what it brings us. Anyone who has ever been unhappily ‘in-love’ will tell you that. True love is involuntary. It can’t be helped. And true love will always seek the best for the loved. My husband won me on the night, right after we’d decided we should ‘break up’, and he told me that he wasn’t going anywhere, and that he would never give up on our relationship unless everything had been done that could be done to salvage it. Such commitment in marriage is rare. Such commitment from someone who you aren’t even engaged to is a sign of good things to come. True love is wise, and honest. True love is nurturing and faithful.

The first time I knew there was a God was as a child. I don’t remember all of the incidents, but I do remember that I knew I was unique and special. My parents were loving, and that made it easy to believe, but I now know divine Love was present...holding me when I was sick, protecting me from myself when my sinful nature wanted to stir the pot.

I’ve always been a pot stirrer. There was never any doubt of my being born with a sin nature. But, I now see so many times when the hand of God stopped me from making a potentially life altering (not for the good) mistake that might have sent my life further away from Him. Instead, I would hear whispers of God’s love and closeness in my heart. And it would sometimes beckon me away from the problem I was about to cause.

I am sorry to report that I have always been a study in contradiction. On the one hand, I felt the desire to stir things up...cause trouble (although out of a sense of wanting some fun.) On the other, I wanted to be well liked, and I believed that pleasing people was the way to gain attention and affirmation. When I was four I once got the urge to play hide-n-seek. I didn’t tell anyone, I just went and hid under the bed.

At first it was great fun. Suddenly it seemed everyone was looking for me...calling my name all over the house. But, before too long, even at my young age, I began to hear the change in the way my name was being called. I knew instinctively I had crossed some line, and that I would likely be in trouble. I was right! What’s more, I knew what I had done wrong, and why it was wrong. No one had to tell me...I just knew.

I will confess that in spite of my many flaws, I have been blessed with the gift of being able to ‘read’ people. Emotional signals, both verbal and non-verbal have always been something I instinctively picked up on. It has been a true gift...one I often wished I could share.

On the flip side of that is my inability to ‘catch on’ sometimes. When something happens, unless there are emotional signals attached, I frequently miss ‘the point’! So, if you think for one minute that I am bragging about any of this, I assure you I am not. I simply tell you all this to inform you of who I am, and how I operate. And as I stated before...I am a true contradiction.

So...as I got older, the voice (although I hesitate to call it that, as it was never audible, but more of a strong impression I would get-that I knew was not my idea) was starting to tell me that I should do this or that. I would ‘notice’ things it wasn’t like me to notice about situations...specifically people, who might need help, or attention...and I would be told to do this or that to help them. I seemed to have a gift, but now I know that it was the Holy Spirit prompting me.

Eventually the voice began to reveal information about things I would read in the Bible, or in other books. I began to really develop a completely different image of God from the one I had as a child. Slowly, I began to almost feel God’s presence physically. And there were times when I would have such a rush of unexplainable joy, in simple moments...for no reason. To this day, I still have moments like that, and the old ones are still as clear as if they’d happened just yesterday.

The more I began to know God, the more I would hear Him speak to me. Sometimes I really didn’t want to believe what I was hearing, and like Jonah, I would avoid God, even occasionally using music or television to ‘drown Him out’. Eventually though, the misery of the breakdown in our relationship would get to me, and I would go back, respond, and do whatever I was suppose to. Sometimes the consequences of my delays were painful, but I always accepted them, knowing full well it was right.

Once when I was in my early 20’s the Holy Spirit told me that God wanted me to come to the decision to agree to follow Him, even if that meant I would never be a wife or mother. I was a bit stunned, and it took me a whole summer to be able to respond honestly that I could and would agree to that. God used my time as a camp counselor at a church camp to make the decision a bit easier, and the passages about Abraham being asked by God to sacrifice his son, Isaac to God. I realized that God wasn’t asking me to give those things up, but to agree to be willing to. In time, nearly ten years later, I was to be assured that this had just been a test.

God has led me to Austria, to marriage to my best friend, to motherhood, and to the joy of know a group of women who are my ‘other true family’. He has led me through various heath crises, though having a child born with a birth defect, through a house fire, and through so many other personal struggles I now know I can face anything...because I never walk alone!

I am a mess. I have ADD, and so many faults that God will surely be working on me to the end of my days. But, in spite of how much I know about why I deserve not to be loved...I know I am. That is who I am. I am perfectly loved...by God!

So...why me? I believe we are all perfectly loved by God. He created us for the purpose of having a relationship with each one of us. But, when sin entered the world through Adam and Eve...ever since our ‘relationship’ with God has been broken. Each of us needs to find God. I don’t believe in collective salvation. Wanting to know God, and be loved by Him is something we each have to find on our own.

For those of us born into homes with parents who had/have relationships with God...we were given an advantage, although I’ve met people raised in the church who weren’t raised with love. As marriage is to be a picture of Christ’s relationship with the church, parents are to be a picture of our relationship with God, and if that image is distorted by parents who don’t know how to show unconditional love, our view of God can be distorted.

Ultimately, though, for each of us...it comes down to will. Every man has a choice. The Bible teaches that each one of us instinctively knows there is ‘something’ out there, bigger than ourselves...and we all start out with a desire to reconnect with Him. It is only when we try to deny this, and replace that longing with things, people, or work that we miss out on the greatest love we could ever know. I don’t pretend to know what it’s like to know a time in my life when I didn’t feel loved, but I believe that God is trying to reach people...and let them know He is there. It’s just that He longs for us so much that He doesn’t want us to love Him because He made us love Him. He wants to be loved because we couldn’t help ourselves. He knows we’ll never be perfect at loving Him back, but He at least wants us to want Him.